The oldest social event at the Observatory of which we have records, and one of the oldest of a long tradition of spoofs in astronomy, the Observatory Pinafore was a rewrite of Gilbert and Sullivan's `HMS Pinafore' which made fun of the inhabitants of the Harvard Observatory. Written in 1879, it was first performed in 1929, with a cast of famous astronomers. The full text is reproduced below. You can also read
THE OBSERVATORY PINAFORE
Attributed to Winslow S. Upton, 1879
Original manuscript in the hand of Wilhelmina Fleming, 1879.
First Performed Dec 31, 1929 by the Harvard Observatory Staff
Transcribed to electronic form June 17, 1994 by Jonathan McDowell
while at the 1.2m CCD Photometer, on a decidedly non-photometric night.
[Note: The text is from Copy O (Owen Gingerich's archive, Bok's copy).
The HCO Library copy (Copy P, QB52 U68 (Ransom?)) has manuscript
emendations indicated as follows: {} deleted from Copy P; ** added
to copy P. It appears that in the original Upton manuscript,
Josephine was actually Joseph; however in the 1929 typescript not
all the relevant pronouns were altered from 'he' to 'she'. My emendations
of these pronouns are also noted by {}.]
Direction: Harlow Shapley, Helen Sawyer
Cast:
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AS Professor Arthur Searle, in charge of Photometry
- Leon Campbell
WU Mr. Winslow Upton, Assistant Observer on Photometer P
- G. W. Wheelwright
WAR Professor William A. Rogers, in charge of Meridian Circle
- P.M. Millman
RGS Miss Rhoda G. Saunders, Computer
- Adelaide Ames
JFM Josephine F. McCormack, Circle Reader
- Cecilia H. Payne
ECP Professor Edward C. Pickering, The Director
- W.R. Ransom
LW Dr. Leonard Waldo, L.L.D., Director of Observatory
at Providence
- Bart J. Bok
FES Mr. Frank E. Seagrave, Gentleman from Providence
- A. R. Sayer
Computers - Irma Caldwell
Sylvia Mussels
Helen Sawyer
Mildred Shapley
Henrietta Swope
Influential Men From Providence: Mr. Bowie
Mr. Andrews
Costumes: Henrietta Swope
Properties: Arville Walker
Conductor and Violinist: Jenka Mohr
Pianist: Frances Wright.
ACT I: Computing Room of the Observatory, Early Morning
ACT II: Library of Observatory, Late Afternoon.
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ACT I
Scene: Computing Room of the Harvard Observatory.
JFM, WU, RGS, and others at work. Overture.
Chorus of Computers
We work from morn 'till night,
For computing is our duty;
We're faithful and polite,
And our record book's a beauty;
With Crelle and Gauss, Chauvenet and Peirce,
We labor hard all day;
We add, subtract, multiply and divide,
And we never have time to play.
No, no; No, no,
We never, never play.
No, no; No, no,
We never, never play.
We sit at our desks all day, all day,
We work from morn 'till night
And computing is our duty,
We are faithful and polite,
And our record book's a beauty,
Computing is our duty,
Our record book's a beauty,
We work from morn 'till night,
We are faithful and polite.
[Enter A.S. (A. Stronomer) with the morning mail]
Rec. A.S. Good day, workers hard, cease your toil a moment.
I've brought the mail which is {far} more important.
Here are letters for you all, but do not read them long,
For I want to sing you my little song:
Aria. A.S. I'm called an astronomer, skillful astronomer,
Though I could never tell why;
But yet an astronomer, happy astronomer,
Modest astronomer, I.
I read the thermometers, break the photometers,
Mend them with paper and wax;
I often lament that so seldom is spent
A fair evening on star parallax.
I write many letters, give aid to my betters,
And often sit up late o'nights
To catch a few glimpses of the many eclipses
of Jupiter's bright satellites.
I'm called an astronomer, skillful astronomer,
Though I could never tell why;
But yet an astronomer, happy astronomer,
Modest astronomer, I.
WU Did you get the eclipse this morning?
AS No! We tried, but Photometer didn't work and the clock gave
out just as we began.
WU You made noise enough for a dozen eclipses. I couldn't sleep.
AS You ought to change your room if we disturb you.
WU I shall when my salary is large enough.
AS I guess you'll die of old age in that room if youwait for a large
salary before giving it up.
Recit. But tell me who's the man whose lingering feet
With difficulty bear him on his course?
WU That is the smartest man upon our force - Prof. Rogers.
AS. Oh, he! I go, I go. [Exit].
[Enter WAR]
Madrigal WAR The morning star loved the pale Moon's bright ray,
And sang afar in his own melodious way.
He sang, "Ah! Well-a-day!"
All He sang, "Ah! Well-a-day!"
WAR Bright Sirius for Capella vainly sighed,
To his humble wail Aldebaran replied,
They sang, "Ah! Well-a-day!"
All They sang, "Ah! Well-a-day!"
WU Recit. I know the value of a kindly chorus,
But choruses yield but little consolation,
When we have pain and trouble too before us,
I fear that Josephine will lose her station!
RGS Alas! That Josephine should lose her station!
All Alas! That Josephine should lose her station!
Ballad. WAR A maid more fair to see ne'er graced Astronomy
For Science fair did choose her.
For her the circle sighs, and Chronograph replies
"Alas! That we must lose her."
All "Alas! That we must lose her."
WAR A foeman nobly born, by scheming passion torn,
And coy beyond concealing,
He dared for her to pine, at whose exalted shrine,
The microscopes lie kneeling.
All The microscopes lie kneeling.
WAR Unlearned she in aught, save that which I have taught,
For I have taught her deftly
Oh, pity, pity me! How lonely shall I be
when she at last has left me!
WAR and all.
Oh, pity, pity me! How lonely shall I be
when she at last has left me!
RGS You look tired.
WAR. I didn't sleep well last night. The Director talks of
taking Josephine off the Meridian Circle and sending her
to Providence to help Mr. Waldo. I opposed it all I could,
but he evidently has made up his mind to do it.
JFM. I don't want to go.
WAR Well, we'll see. I have a plan that I think will fix it all
right. Let's go to work now.
[All resume work. Silence for a few moments.]
WAR Bah!
WU There's something wrong a-brewin'!
WAR Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! It's all wrong! A fearful mistake!
All Whose figures?
WAR to RGS They look like yours.
RGS I don't believe it's wrong.
WAR Wait a minute! It *is* right after all! I thought I'd
found a whopping mistake. {I'm relieved! What time is it?
Hooraw, Jo, time for next star.} [Marginal note in
copy P transfers last 3 sentences to just before entry
of AS, preceded by unknown dialogue from JFM.]
[Exeunt WAR and JFM. Enter ECP]
ECP My gallant crew, good morning!
All. Sir, good morning.
ECP I hope you're all quite well.
All. Quite well, and you, sir?
ECP I'm in reasonable health, and happy to meet you all once more.
All. You do us proud, sir!
Song.
ECP I am the captain of this little crew.
All. And a right good captain too.
ECP You are very, very good, and be it understood
I command a right good crew.
All We're very, very good, and be it understood
He commands a right good crew.
ECP Though moving by my right in society polite,
And among many men of note,
I am never known to wear, though the ladies vainly stare,
A tall hat or swallow-tail coat.
All What, never?
ECP No, never!
All What, NEVER?
ECP Well, hardly ever!
All Hardly ever wears a swallow-tail coat.
Then give three cheers and three times three
for the gallant captain of the Observatree,
Then give three cheers and three times three
for the captain of the Observatree,
ECP I do my best to satisfy you all.
All And with you we're quite content.
ECP You're exceedingly polite, and I think it only right,
To return the compliment.
All We're exceedingly polite, and he thinks it only right,
To return the compliment.
ECP Academic titles all, I have never failed to call
In addressing you by name.
Though Mister I may occasionally say
I never speak the bare surname.
All What, never?
ECP No, never!
All What, NEVER?
ECP Well, hardly ever!
All Hardly ever speaks the bare surname.
Then give three cheers and three times three
for the gallant captain of the Observatree,
Then give three cheers and three times three
for the gallant captain of the Observatree,
[During the song, AS has entered.]
Recit. AS Sir, you are sad - the silent eloquence
of yonder tear that trembled on your eyelash
Proclaims a sorrow far more deep than common.
Confide in me - I will try to comfort you.
ECP Yes, sympathising friend, I'm sad and sorry.
My assistant Josephine the fairest flower
That ever blossomed on scientific timber
Is sought for a helper by Dr. Leonard Waldo.
But {her} former employer, Professor Rogers,
For some reason is violently opposed to it.
AS (aside) Ah! poor Rogers! I know too well
The anguish of a heart that cannot have its way.
But here he comes, I must read the thermometers. Farewell. [Exit]
ECP [looking after him] A plump and pleasing person!
[Enter WAR and JFM]
ECP Good morning! How's the work getting on?
WAR First rate!
ECP I'm pleased to hear it. [to JFM] I would like to
see you a few moments in my study. [Exeunt ECP and JFM]
Ballad, RGS
Sorry her lot who adds not well,
Dull is the mind that checks but vainly,
Sad are the sighs that own the spell
Symbolized by frowns that speak too plainly.
Heavy the sorrow that bows the head
When fingers are tender and the ink is red.
Happy the hour when sets the sun,
Sweet is the night to earth's poor daughters,
Who sweetly may sleep when labor is done
Unlike their brother astronomers.
Heavy the sorrow that bows the head
When fingers are tender and the ink is red.
WAR What's the matter with your fingers?
RGS The red ink stains come off so hard that my fingers are
sore all the time. I hate red ink.
WU What makes you use it then? I don't.
RGS Don't you? Look at your book! There are lots of red figures -
your figures, too.
WU They are corrections of others' mistakes, not my own.
RGS That's it! You correct your own mistakes in blue, so that they
don't show so much. I think it's mean.
WAR It's a good rule that *all* mistakes should be corrected in red.
WU I don't think so.
WAR I do - What do you think of my trying to keep Josephine? She's the
best circle reader in the country. I don't want to lose her.
WU I don't believe she'll stay. I'd go if I were she.
[Song is heard in the distance. Enter hastily ECP, AS, and JFM.]
Barcarole (invisible)
Over the grassy lea, comes Leonard Waldo, LLD,
Wherever he may go, bang-bang the loud nine-pounders go.
Shout o'er the grassy lea for Leonard Waldo, LLD.
Chorus of Computers:
They work from morn 'till night,
For computing is their duty,
They're faithful and polite,
Their record book's a beauty.
[Enter delegation of citizens from Providence].
Citizens: Gaily tripping, lightly skipping,
Flock the visitors to this building.
Gaily tripping, lightly skipping,
Flock the visitors to this building.
Computers: Gloves and canes and glasses gleaming,
How the strangers throng the building.
Citizens: Youths so sprightly, always sightly,
Welcome visitors so politely.
Computers: Visitors who can smile so brightly
We all welcome most politely.
Welcome most politely.
[Enter LW and RGS]
ECP {Twice nine} Harvard cheers, now - one, two, three!
[** A regular Harvard cheer (Copy P)]
All: Rah! rah! rah! rah! rah! rah! rah! rah! rah!
Rah! rah! rah! rah! rah! rah! rah! rah! rah!
Song. LW. I reside in places three -
Cambridge, Brookline, and Little Rhodee.
But the last of these I say is "perfectly immense".
FES And so say the influential men of Providence.
Citizens: And so say the influential men of Providence.
The influential men of Providence.
LW I'm very full of knowledge rare,
And could fill a professor's chair.
But I think my learning fails of proper recompense.
FES And so say the influential men of Providence.
Citizens: And so say the influential men of Providence.
The influential men of Providence.
LW I am at last an L.L.D.,
I'm very proud of my degree,
For it shows that I'm a man of extraordinary sense.
FES And so say the influential men of Providence.
Citizens: And so say the influential men of Providence.
Professors, lawyers, ministers,
The wise and wealthy men of Providence.
WU I wouldn't give two cents for a degree.
LW Sour grapes.
WU Not at all. I've a better position already than an LLD, FRAS,
or XYZ could give me. I am assistant observer on Photometer P.
Song WU
Two years ago I came to be
An assistant at th'Observatree.
I spent my time from day to day
In making computations for the Const survey.
My "patent" computations did so well for me
That now I am observing with Photometer P.
Chorus
My "patent" computations did so well for me
That now I am observing with Photometer P.
WU In the cool night air with "S" and "P"
I wearied my eyes on photometree.
Bright stars with H, faint stars with I
Blue doubles reserved for a cloudy sky.
So many close doubles were observed by me
That now I am observing with Photometer P.
Chorus
So many close doubles were observed by me
That now I am observing with Photometer P.
WU
I pulled the string or turned the screw
Or drove the match as I was told to do;
I "cranked" the circle near and far
while "S" strained his eyes to catch the prism star.
I became so cranky they promoted me
To be an observer with Photometer P.
Chorus
I became so cranky they promoted me
To be an observer with Photometer P.
WU I turned the dome with so grand a shock
that I broke two windows and the Elliott clock;
I burst the gas pipe rolling the chair,
And created a blaze for the winter's scare.
For my worthy zeal they requested me
to try my strength on Photometer P.
Chorus
For my worthy zeal they requested me
to try my strength on Photometer P.
WU Now Waldo, Wendell, Metcalf, Mann,
Copy my example as far as you can;
Compute, observe, and - mark my word -
Your labor will gain its due reward.
And if you're asked "What reward shall it be?"
Say, "Let me observe with Photometer P".
Chorus:
And if you're asked "What reward shall it be?"
Say, "Let me observe with Photometer P".
LW Indeed. I congratulate you.
ECP How are you getting along in Providence?
LW Very nicely, sir. We are just preparing to make
observations of Mars this fall.
ECP For parallax?
LW Yes, sir. I have recently devised a new
photomicrometric theodelite, from which we expect
a great deal. It is made from the best material
and by the best mechanician in this country,
Grunow of New York. I should like, sir, to show it
to you when it is completed.
ECP Thank you! I should be pleased to examine it.
LW I have the testimony, sir, of able astronomers in this
country and in Europe, whom I consulted in the matter,
that its principle is excellent, and I am sure we
shall succeed with it. You have a large force of
computers, sir.
ECP Yes, quite large - most enough for a good dance in
spare hours.
LW Do you allow, sir, your assistants to dance? Physicians
tell me it is promotive of inaccuracy in computation.
ECP Indeed! I was not aware of that. I had though of
inducing our Scotch maid to give them instruction in
the Highland polka, but she has unfortunately returned
to her native land.
LW That is not unfortunate, but fortunate, I should say, sir.
I hope, however, your assistants sing. I have recently
composed an astronomical song, which is designed to give
instruction to young astronomers in a pleasing way.
[He hands some copies to ECP who lays them on the table].
ECP Thank you. Undoubtedly it is valuable music.
LW I should like, sir, to show my friends through the building,
and shall we rejoin you in the library?
ECP Certainly, certainly. I shall be at leisure.
LW [to computers] Good morning.
All Good morning, Mr. Waldo.
FES *Mr* Waldo! *Dr* Waldo, you mean.
All [smiling] Good morning, Dr. Waldo.
LW [spoken] My friend is quite right.
[sung] For I hold that a degree
When bestowed for deep studee
Should recieve o'er titles general the precedence.
FES and Chorus
And so say the influential men of Providence.
The Influential men, the influential men of Providence.
[Exeunt ECP, LW, FES and Citizens of Prov.]
WU The idea of our dancing a Scottish jig!
RGS I should like to try it.
JFM So should I.
WU Let's sing the new song they have left for us.
All. Agreed!
SONG: WAR, JFM, WU and Chorus of Computers:
An astronomer is a sorry soul,
As free as a caged bird;
His sympathetic ear should be always quick to hear
The directorial word.
He must open the dome and turn the wheel
And watch the stars with untiring zeal.
He must toil at night though cold it be
And he never should expect a decent salaree.
Chorus:
He must open the dome and turn the wheel
And watch the stars with untiring zeal.
He must toil at night though cold it be
And he never should expect a decent salaree.
His eyes should shine with learned fire,
His brow with thought be furrowed;
His energetic speech should be ever prompt to teach
The truths which he has borrowed.
His knees should bend and his neck should curl
His back should twist and his face should scowl,
One eye should squint and the other protrude,
And this should be his customary attitude.
Chorus:
His knees should bend and his neck should curl
His back should twist and his face should scowl,
One eye should squint and the other protrude,
And this should be his customary attitude.
[Exeunt all but WAR and JFM]
WAR What did the director say?
JFM He offers me better wages and I think I shall go.
WAR Oh, no. You don't want to go. You wouldn't be contented.
Now listen to my plan. The director is anxious to have
more of us work on his new photometer. If you should
study up and offer to work in the intervals between
our stars on the Meridian Circle, I know it would please him.
JFM But I want that time to warm my feet and read the
New York Weekly.
WAR Well, how will this do? For me must devise some plan.
You and I will get Mr. Searle to explain how the instrument
works and then -
JFM But they say the prisms are poor and that Clark will have
to regrind them, sooner or later.
WAR I have it, then. We'll get Mr. Searle to explain to us what
is wanted, and this afternoon or tonight we'll carry the
prisms down to Clark's and get them fixed and put them
back; and when the director finds out how improved they
are, I'll tell him you did it and he will let you stay
with me.
JFM I don't believe it. I should lose my place by meddling with
the instrument. I won't have anything to do with your plan.
I'm going to Providence to live with professors.
DUET (WAR and JFM)
JFM Refrain, audacious sir, your suit from pressing;
Remember who you are and whom addressing -
Professors seek my aid and here assemble
The noblest in the land behold and tremble
(Aside) If I were not afraid to risk my station
I would adopt at once his recommendation.
WAR You wretch, what do you say? You heartless beauty.
Speak *you* and *I* obey? Is it my duty?
Am I a lowly fool, you bold agressor?
That you should darkly hint I'm no professor?
(Aside) My heart, with anguish torn, is loth to lose her
She laughs my suit to scorn, yet I would choose her.
[Exit JFM]
WAR [Recit] Can I survive this overbearing?
Or live a life of mad despairing?
My preferred plan despised, rejected?
No! No! It's not to be expected.
Comrades all, come back, come here! come here!
[Enter computers]
{ [deleted from Copy P]
All: Aye, aye, dear sir, what cheer, what cheer?
Now tell us pray, without delay,
What does he say? What cheer? What cheer?
WAR This ingrate treats my suit with scorn,
Rejects my humble plan, Miss Rhoda
{She} says that I must stand aside
And cuts my hopes adrift, Miss Rhoda.
All: Oh, cruel one! Oh, cruel one!
WU {She} spurns your suit? Oho, oho!
I told you so, I told you so.
All: Shall we submit? Shall we submit?
That Josephine should treat you so?
Astronomers shall bold resist
And shall we stoop to insult? No! No!
WU You must submit, you must submit -
{She} spurns your suit, oho! oho!
You'll be discharged if you resist,
I told you so, I told you so.
}
WAR [drawing pistol]
My friends, my leave of life I'm taking,
For oh! for oh! my heart is breaking.
When I am gone O prithee tell
the maid that as I died I loved her well.
All [weeping]
Of life, alas! his leave he's taking
For oh! his faithful heart is breaking
When he is gone we'll surely tell
that as he died, he loved her well.
WAR Farewell, my comrades all
It grieves my heart to leave you.
For Josephine I fall
[puts pistol to head] [enter JFM]
JFM Ah! Stay your hand! I'll aid you!
All Ah! Stay your hand! She'll aid you!
WAR Aid me?
JFM Aid you.
All Yes, yes, ah yes! She'll aid you!
WU He thinks he's won his Jospehine,
But though the sky is now serene
A frowning thunderbolt above
May end their ill-assorted love,
which now is all ablaze.
Our captain, ere the day is done
Will be extremely down upon
The wicked man, who art employ
To make his Josephine so coy
In many various ways.
{
Chorus
O joy, o rapture unforeseen
For now the sky is all serene
The god of day, the orb of love
Has hung his ensign high above
The sky is all ablaze
With wooing words and loving song
We'll chase the lagging hours along
And if our Josephine is coy
We'll murmur scientific joy
In dreamy roundelays.
}
JFM This very night
RGS with bated breath
WAR In spite of fright
JFM We'll go by stealth
RGS To Alvan Clark,
WAR New prisms twain
JFM His skilful son
WAR Will give to us
RGS And then we can
JFM Return for none
WAR Will hinder us
RGS Will hinder us.
Chorus
This very night, with bated breath in spite of fright
We'll go by stealth to Alvan Clark. New prisms twain
His skilful son will give to us, and then we can
Return, for none will hinder us, will hinder us.
WU Forbear, nor carry out the scheme you've planned.
The wishes of your chief you dare withstand?
Remember you assist our good director
And of his plans should be a strong protector.
Chorus?
Back, vermin, back, nor mock us,
Back, vermin, back, you shock us.
Let's give three cheers for JFM,
Who joins whole-souled our stratagem.
Who risks her fame and honor too
For the honest love of her teacher true.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,
Let's give three cheers for JFM,
Who joins whole-souled our stratagem,
Who risks her fame and honor too,
For the honest love of her teacher true.
Women's chorus.
For an astronomer is a sorry soul,
As free as a caged bird,
His sympathetic ear should be always quick to hear
The directorial word.
His eye should flash with a learned fire,
His brow with thought be furrowed,
His energetic speech should be quick to teach
The truth that he has borrowed.
Men's chorus.
His knees should bend and his neck should curl,
His back should twist and his face should scowl,
One eye should squint and the other protrude,
And this should be his customary attitude.
All.
His knees should bend and his neck should curl,
His back should twist and his face should scowl,
One eye should squint and the other protrude,
And this should be his customary attitude.
ACT II
[Scene: Late in afteroon. Library. Photometers arranged on the
table for inspection of visitors. E. C. Pickering examining
record sheets of meridian photometer.]
Song, ECP Pole Star, to thee I sing
Bright pivot of the heavens,
Why are all our magnitudes
Either at sixes or at sevens?
I have lived hitherto
Free from the breath of slander.
Beloved all my crew
A really popular commander.
But now my prisms all rebel
And ruin the photometer,
And damage also, sad to tell,
My fame as an astronomer.
Pole Star, to thee I sing
Bright pivot of the heavens,
Why are all our magnitudes
Either at sixes or at sevens?
** Pole Star, to thee I sing
** Bright pivot of the heavens,
AS [Enters] Mr. Waldo wishes to speak with you.
ECP. Thank you. I will see him at once. [Exit]
[AS remains and looks over the papers. Enter WAR and JFM]
WAR Will you explain to us how these instruments work?
AS The photometers? Certainly, as well as I can.
[Duet, AS and WAR. JFM listens attentively.]
AS Things are seldom what they seem
Locomotives hide their steam -
Our machines are no exception
Strings and thumb-screws nice deception.
WAR Yes, I know - that is so.
AS This is H with the double string
One comes out while the other goes in.
This is I with arm and screw
Turn it slowly as I do.
WAR Very truly, as you do.
AS This is K with the rusty wire.
Use it much and your arms will tire.
This is M with the needle point
Now it works and now it don't.
WAR So I see, -- frequentlee.
AS This is Q made for nebulae,
These are the records of Photometer P,
P is now a great vexation,
For the prisms show polarization.
WAR Yes, I know. That is so,
Though to catch your drift I'm striving,
It is puzzling, it is puzzling!
I don't see at what you're driving.
You are juggling, you are juggling.
Duet. Stern conviction is o'er me (him) stealing
That I'm practising concealing
When I seem to be revealing. [Repeat]
Yes, I know, that is so --
Though a mystic tone I borrow
I shall learn the truth with sorrow.
Laugh today and cry tomorrow. [Repeat]
Yes, I know - that is so.
[Exit AS]
WAR Oh, Mr. Searle! [Follows him out].
[JFM remains and examines the instrument].
JFM Well, I didn't get much idea about the instruments,
but I guess I know enough to get the prisms off,
and take them down to Clarks'.
The hours creep on apace,
My guilty heart is quaking;
Oh, that I might retrace,
The step that I am taking!
It's folly, it were easy to be showing,
What I am giving up and whither going.
On the one hand, a new, luxuorious home,
With Brussels carpet and no dust or damp,
With wonderful machines to move the dome,
And all the apartments lit by student lamp -
No inconvenience and no failure, you know,
For every instrument is made by Grunow.
And on the other, a dark and dingy place,
all clattered up and smelling strong of oil :????
Where record pen most always fail to trace
And thus rewards the most exacting toil;
Observing sun and moon and many a low star,
or getting up at midnight for the pole star.
Meridian circle, nobly born,
so brilliant and well-known,
which bravely swings from early morn
Till half the night is flown!
[** Till half the night is flown!]
No golden rank can it impart,
No wealth, nor fondest hopes.
No fortune, save its brazen heart,
and trusty microscopes.
[** and trusty microscopes.]
And yet it is so wondrous fair,
That love for one so passing rare
Were little else than solemn duty.
Oh god of love and god of reason, say!
Which of you twain shall my poor heart obey?
[ECP and LW enter]
ECP Ah, here is Josephine!
LW [to JFM] I am glad Miss, [Madam in copy P, Miss in copy O,
Sir in original typescript] that you are willing to go
to Providence. I am sure you will become so attached to me,
my instrument, and my work, that you will not desire at all
to leave us.
JFM Do you think that a person should stay where he is most attached?
LW Indeed, Miss, I do. Were you at all attached to your work here
(the director tells me you are anxious to give it up) --
JFM [aside] The director is mistaken, there.
LW - I should not think of asking you to leave it. "Love levels all
ranks", you know, and when we get in love with each other and our
mutual work we shall be like brother and sister.
JFM [aside] He little knows how he confirms me in the plan to stay here.
[To LW] I will go with you to Providence.
{
Trio ECP, LW and JFM
ECP Never mind the why and the wherefore,
Love can level ranks, and therefore
Though the doctor's station mighty
Though stupendous be his brain,
Though your tastes are mean and flighty
And your fortune poor and plain
ECP and LW Fill the air with merry laughter
Rend with songs the air serene
For the union of the doctor
With the humble Josephine.
ECP For a worthy Harvard doctor.
JFM For my old and true instructor.
LW And a man to scan the heavens.
JFM And a youth to scan the heavens.
All Fill the air, etc.
LW. Never mind the why and wherefore,
Love can level ranks and therefore
Since the captain's wise decision
Makes you in my set to pass
Though you occupy a station
In the lower middle class
Fill the air, etc.
JFM Never mind the why and wherefore
Love can level ranks and therefore
I admit its jurisdiction.
Ably you have played the part
You have carried firm conviction
To my hesitating heart.
Fill the air, etc.
}
ECP to LW I congratulate you most sincerely on the happy
result of our negotiation. [Exit JFM]
LW Thank you, sir. I am sure that we part with mutual
congratulations. [Exit]
[Enter WU and AS]
WU Captain, Captain!
ECP Well, can I do anything for you?
WU No, but I want to tell you something.
[Duet ECP and WU. AS listens with amusement]
WU Kind captain, I've important information
Sing hey, the kind commander that you are!
About a plot of recent derivation
Sing hey the merry Nicol and the star!
Both The merry, merry Nicol and the star!
ECP Good fellow, in conundrums you are speaking,
Sing hey, the kind assistant that you are,
The answer to them vainly I am seeking,
Sing hey, the merry Nicol and the star!
Both The merry, merry Nicol and the star!
WU Kind captain, Josephine a plot's concealing
Sing hey, the kind commander that you are!
The prisms of your instrument {s}he's stealing
Sing hey the merry Nicol and the star.
Both The merry, merry Nicol and the star!
ECP I thank you for your kindness. Hark!
I hear footsteps in the entry. Let us listen.
WU Tra-la-lud-di-da-dee! foiled! foiled! foiled!
[WAR, JFM (with prisms in hand) and computers enter
stealthily. ECP hides behind door.]
Computers Carefully, on tiptoe stealing,
Breathing gently as we may,
Every step with caution feeling,
We will softly steal away.
JFM [drops a prism]
Goodness me! My catechism!
Sam Magee! I've dropped a prism!
All. {S}he's dropped, {S}he's dropped a prism!
ECP Oh, dear! My precious prism!
Computers
Haste along, with footsteps steady
We shall soon be out the dark
And a horse car waits all ready
To carry us to Alvan Clark.
JFM [drops the other prism]
Goodness me! My catechism!
Sam Magee! The other prism!
All. {S}he's dropped the other prism!
ECP Oh, dear. My precious prism.
ECP [emerging] Hold! False assistant of mine.
I insist upon knowing where you may be going,
With those prisms so fine
For indeed I suspect
The parts of my new instrument your scarcely are competent
to tear and dissect.
{All. Indeed we suspect
The parts of his intstrument {s}he scarcely is competent
to tear and dissect.
}
WAR Dear sir, pray judge {her} not too hastily!
For I can make the matter clear quite speedily!
I saw the prism faces were not true,
And so I thought I'd have them fixed for you.
ECP Oh, Polaris!
WAR and JFM I ({She}) too, our humble Josephine
Tho' far from noble in position
Have aided him with counsel keen
And worked throughout with firm decision.
We two have studied long and well
And worked and labored each spare minute
And by your leave, when we are done
A new photometer we'll name it.
Chorus A new photometer!
ECP [solemnly] A New photometer!
AS and chorus
For he himself has said it
And it's greatly to his credit
That it is a photometer (Repeat)
For it might have been a telescope
Or a double barrelled microscope
Or perhaps a barometer (Repeat).
But in spite of all inducements
To belong to other instruments
It remains a photometer.
[** It remains a photo - o - tom -e -e -t -er.]
ECP In uttering reprobation to any employee
I try to speak with moderation, but you have been too free.
I'm very sorry to reprove - indeed! It makes me sad -
But your captain's precious prisms to improve,
Yes, Rogers, it's too bad!
All What!
ECP Yes, Rogers, it's too bad!
[During this, LW, FES and Providence citizens have entered]
FES Did you hear him, did you hear him?
Politeness is not worth a candle -
Let us leave him, let us leave him!
He said "Rogers" with no handle.
ECP My pain and my distress
I find it not easy to express
My amazement, my surprise
You may learn from the expression of my eyes.
WAR Kind sir, one word! The facts are not before you.
Call me without title if you will,
But hear my explanation, I implore you
And you will be surprised at our skill.
ECP I will hear of no defence,
Attempt none if you're sensible
Your notions were so bold, they're wholly indefensible.
[to JFM] Go, bear the glasses hence,
To their places with celerity!
This is the consequence of idle curiosity.
All. Behold the consequence of idle curiosity.
[Exit JFM with prisms.]
LW For he'll teach you all ere long,
To beware of doing wrong.
For such wickedness received its fitting recompense.
FES and chorus
And so say the influential men of Providence.
For it's a photometer, etc.
LW to ECP I don't understand this, sir.
ECP Nor I either. I shall at once investigate the
matter thoroughly.
[Reenter JFM]
ECP I have no doubt that others are at the bottom of the
trouble, but I must keep Josephine in durance for the
present.
LW Have you a dungeon, sir, in this edifice?
WU Yes, we have - where the clocks are, down cellar.
ECP Let {her} be taken there at once.
Octette and chorus.
JFM Farewell my own! Light of my life, farewell!
For crime unknown I go to a dungeon cell.
WAR I will atone. In the meantime, farewell!
And all alone, rejoice in your dungeon cell.
LW A stone, a stone, I'll throw at {her} wretched head.
Let {her} be shown at once to the dungeon dread.
Quartette. {She}'ll hear no tone from the master {she} loves so well
But a telephone we'll soon put up to {her} cell.
AS But when is known the secret I have to tell,
Wide will be thrown the door of {her} dungeon cell.
(Repeat in chorus) [JFM is led away by FES and others]
ECP My pain, my distress
Again, it is not easy to express.
My amazement, my surprise
Again you may discover from my eyes.
All How terrible the aspect of his eyes!
AS Hold! Ere upon your grief you lay much stress
A deep concealed secret I will confess.
Song -AS Not many days ago, I taught a class astronomy
And as perhaps you know, I lectured on Photometry.
All Now this is an anomaly
He taught a class astronomy
And lectured on photometry, not many days ago.
AS Two pupils I had quit. One was of low position.
The other upper crust - a regular patrician.
All. Now this was their condition - One was of low position.
The other upper crust - a regular patrician.
AS I did it all for good, but now, alas! I rue it
I taught them all I could and not a creature knew it.
All. However could he do it? Some day, no doubt, he'll rue it.
Although no creature knew it, not many days ago.
AS They toiled without digression until was time to go
They'll honor their profession and who they are you know.
All They toiled without digression and closed their weary session
They'll honor their profession and who they are we know.
ECP Then am I to understand that Prof. Rogers and Josephine have been
studying photometry under your competent instruction.
AS Exactly.
ECP I have done Josephine great injustice. Let her be summoned.
[Exit RES for JFM]
LW After this occurrence, sir, I need not say that Josephine will
not do for my assistant. I cannot have anyone with me who is at
all interested in photometry.
ECP Indeed! Josephine is evidently too valuable to the institution
to be allowed to leave it. [To JFM who has entered with RES
during above conversation] I am greatly obliged to you for
your kind interest in my new instrument and I do sincerely regret
that I misconstrued your motives in removing the prisms. You
will continue your work on the Meridian Circle as heretofore.
[to WAR] Here, take {her}, sir, and mind you treat {her} kindly.
WAR and JFM. O Bliss! O Rapture!
LW Sad my lot and sorry. What shall I do? I cannot work alone.
All. What will he do? He cannot work alone.
FES Fear nothing - while I live I'll not desert you.
I'll soothe and comfort your declining days.
LW No, don't do that.
FES Yes, but indeed I'd rather.
LW Tomorrow morn our vows shall all be plighted.
Two loving pairs on the same day united.
Chorus. O joy, o rapture unforseen
The clouded sky is now serene
The god of day, the orb of love
Has hung his ensign high above
The sky is all ablaze
With wooing words and loving song
We'll chase the lagging hours along
And if our Josephine is coy
We'll murmur scientific joy
In dreamy roundelays.
[ marginal note "Pass hat" in copy P.]
ECP For I am the captain of this gallant crew.
All And a right good captain, too.
ECP You are very very good, and be it understood
I command a right good crew.
All We are very very good, and be it understood
He commands a right good crew.
ECP Since moving by my right in society polite
And among many men of note
I'll never cease to wear with punctilious care
A tall hat and swallow tailed coat.
All What, never?
ECP No, never!
All What, never?
ECP Well, hardly ever!
All Hardly ever wear a swallow tail coat.
Then give three cheers and three times three
for the gallant captain of the Observatree.
AS For I'm an astronomer, skillful astronomer
Though I could never tell why,
but yet an astronomer, happy astronomer
Modest astronomer, aye.
LW I am a Harvard LL.D.
But when I work with thee
I'll be faithful to the ardor which your zeal presents.
All Then goodbye to the influential men of Providence
Professors, lawyers, ministers
The wise and wealthy men of Providence
For it is a photometer
For he himself has said it
And its greatly to his credit
That it is a photometer!
[Finis]
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